When it comes to friend types, there are definitely different categories. I think we all want to have good friends, and we all believe we are good friends. But it is also true that we take the responsibility of being a friend very casually, dismissing the depths to which a true friend ought to be willing to go. So what exactly is a friend?
According to the Bible, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity (Proverbs 17:17).” The Bible also describes the actions of a friend as saying, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends (John 15:12-13).”
The Lord seems to be relaying a version of “friend” that is both sacrificial and potentially dangerous to oneself. Born for adversity and laying down your life are not casual friendships.
Yet, this is what God says a friend should be. It’s a pretty heavy commitment to make.
Now consider the common and accepted definition of friend. We talk about friends on social media but hardly mean the Biblical definition as our intention. No. We mean someone we scroll through their thoughts and photos and probably acknowledge their existence with a like for their post or maybe even take a microsecond to leave a reply. But let’s be honest, it hardly goes farther than this. It seems sending a card or taking a meal are ideals of the past, certainly not applicable to our busy lifestyles. Friendships are casual and easy, and we like it that way. Why not? It costs us nothing.
Then there are circumstantial friends. They are there in your life for a season and nothing more. Your kids play sports together or you attend the same Sunday school class or live in the same neighborhood. But let circumstances change and you will find out the true nature of the friendship. Oh, many times people make the appropriate effort to stay in touch, at least for a time. But as life moves on, new circumstances send new friends and the old goes out with yesterday’s sunset. We might smile at the memories but have neither the time nor the desire to maintain what was once a beautiful relationship. And most people consider this normal. But it is important to remember this: there are many people who are left alone and lonely from a circumstantial friendship that was misinterpreted to be more, to be real. I admit to being one of those. I hope I never become so callous as to think throwing away a friendship is the norm. Your circumstances changed. So what. The people didn’t. We can make time for others if we want to do so. Believe me, I understand a full life, but I’ll never understand feeling like I don’t need any more friends. For myself, I need all the friends I can get. If God has placed someone in your life, then you have time for them. Simple as that.
This next category is not a brand of friend anyone wants to have or to be but I fear the reality is all too familiar. I can’t say I know anyone who really wants to be known as a fair weathered friend. The very definition gives a glimpse into the nature of this ‘friendship’. Oxford Languages declares a fair weather friend to be “a person who stops being a friend in times of difficulty.” Wow. That cuts deeply. If you remember from the Biblical definition, this one is kind of opposite. God says a friend was made for adversity, and a fair weather friend runs when there is adversity. I suppose it isn’t kind of the opposite, it is absolutely opposite. This one hurts. Unfortunately, we don’t typically know this is the type of friendship we have until the hard times come. Sadly, that is the worst time to figure it out because this is when we need our friends the most. And we turn around and boom, gone. I remember going through a particularly difficult stretch and being embarrassed to open up to very many people. So when I did open up, it was a really big deal for me. I’ll never forget those I thought were close friends who smiled uncomfortably, patted me on the head telling me it would all be okay, and ran for the hills. It hurt then, and it still hurts now. Friendship means being willing to leave your comfort zone to walk the extra mile with your friend. Friendship means allowing the messy feelings, acknowledging the pain of another with no regard to your own, and climbing into the depths of depression just to hold a hand. It is hard, and a fair weather friend is simply not up to the challenge, by decision not ability. As Pooh Bear says, “To have a friend, be a friend.”
I think the main difference we are looking at here is answering this question, is it real? A real friend doesn’t run from trouble, they stand by your side. Sometimes they even hold you up. And they do so with a deliberateness that is undeniably genuine. A real friend doesn’t abandon you when your circumstances change. A move of thousands of miles won’t stop the determination of real friends to maintain a friendship. It will be different, sure, but real all the same. The reason these things are so is because real friendship is based on the eternal. Love.
Friendships bring joy and fulfillment, laughter and comfort. Friendship is what life is all about. At the end of life, I am absolutely certain my regrets will not be about money earned or tasks left undone. If I have regrets, I believe they will be about people, about what I didn’t do, about time I didn’t take, words I didn’t say. I am beyond thankful for my real friends. They are a blessing beyond any riches or applause. Sometimes we only find the genuine when held up against the artificial. Half a century in my life has passed, and I’m still figuring it all out. But as for me, I hope I will always be a listening ear to those in pain. I hope I will always be willing to make time for those who need me. I pray I will make many real friends until the Lord calls me home and be a friend just the same.
I believe God says it best, so I will let His Word finish my thoughts. “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up ( Ecclesiastes 4:10).”